What I am Listening to: I know - Fiona Apple
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4:05 pm

well I could be really mad about yesterday, I mean I got only one ecard, and of course that was from my fave, and of course he picked my favorite thing *grin* snoopy..... he always does surprize me in things like that

but I could be mad, that no one else did, and I was for a while, but me being me I got over it

I had a long chat with my friend Dave, and in talking to him I faced things about myself that I needed to, things I think I was scared to, but I am over that fear not he was right and wrong about a few things

Diva who is in my head, she is not another personality, I treated her like she was, and I let other do so as well, cause it was easier for me to deal with, she is just a side of myself that scared me mainly cause in something she fears nothing, that side of me is able to look at the darkside,enjoy it take pride in it.... I don't fear that side of me anymore I embrace it, it is part of who I am, like it or fuck off.

I am a emotional intense person, I don't want to be, and most times I show a cool calm side to people, but when I really connect it , for me it will always be intense

I know my intensity scares the shit out of most, they can't handle it, and even those who can it still scares them

but you know what, I am not sorry for the way I am, or that I am possessive and what is mine will stay mine

I am very very Patient, most have no idea how much so, I can wait a long time, doesn't mean I won't do my thing, but the right moment for that thing I wait for, will come, and I will be there

as for puppy, it is his own fault, he offered what he wasn't free to offer, but it makes no difference now, it is mine, he is mine, I told him there was no going back, not cause I can't undo it but cause I won't undo it

I warned him then, and he knew even if I didn't the details of it all, and still made his choice.....

He struggles now, with it... this is what I know, for I know him very well, if I didn't read him so well I wouldn't want him so much, but it is this, I don't know if he truely loves me or not, or only loves what I am to him, right now it matter not...... he fights what he is, I know I did also, but can you really fight yourself?, and if you do, and if you do and buried that part of yourself, what do you think will happen? I will tell you,

One of two thing can happen...you can be half of who you are, killing a bit of your spirit bit by bit everyday, wondering why you aren't happy, and not know the reason anymore

Or,you can do other, it will build inside you, and oneday when you least see it coming, do something you never should do, losing so much more

People in that lifestyle, (the real one no the posers) we do this cause it is a part of who we are, it is not so much about sex, as most thing, but filling a need on a almost spiritual level, that when I do so my soul is like yes yes, this is what I need, this is how I can be touched, this is how I want to touch someone

to be sub or Dom, almost doesn't matter, really just the side of the same coin, some are oneside some are the other, so I am done with denying a part of myself..... as for puppy *smile* he has to fight his own fight....but I am patient