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2:20 pm

well, I did I lot of thinking this past weekend...I still don't know who the AOL person is who read my journal so much this past weekend.. hope they are enjoying it who ever they are...

but the onething I have figure out in all my time alone,,, is one I am painfuly lonely... I still won't have just anyone.. but it is there and has been there for a long time.... unlike what most thing I don't have this exciting night life...I don't go to clubs... and I don't do casual sex.... I am not just going to be someone's goodtime...not thats their anything wrong with a good time.... but at the end of the day I would like to think I mean more than that.... and I find that for the most part I don't... I thought I mean more that that to puppy.... but I think I have just been fooling myself... not that it matters at this point... I think I thought somewhere deep down that I would have more...yeah Dum me....why do I keep doing this to myself.. and the bad part is just like the song.. someone else will whisper promises in that dark and I will believe those too....never believe goodguys win in that end.. that has never been true for me..... I have never won.. I don't think I will win....and even that few moments when I have hope.. real life shoots me back down to earth.....not that I don't have any good luck... there is jon who is as loyal as would anyone would want.. but he does live on that other side of the world.... and there is tomtom... but I don't let myself wish for anymore on that if I do I will lose....

what do I hope to win you ask?... I don't have grand hopes.. cause I know it will end.. I just wish it to be real while it does is all......but my dreams like that never come true