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10:22 am

ok a co-worker said something to me that hit me hard..it wasn't a bad thing I have been in that weird funky mood of late, eating stuff I shouldn't eat knowing it will just set me back not bigtime but somewhat.. and it was all cause today I wore a shirt I hate wearing.. not cause it doesn't fit me but cause it does... it fits that way it should and I am not very comfortable with that...

cause even though I have changed on that outside I don't see that change not really, when I look at myself I see that same person i always have been, and I never likely that person, and every time I get dumped by someone no matter how mad I get in the back of my mind is that thought that I don't blame them I wouldn't want to be stuck with that either...

and this is so bad that I have not gotten any new clothes cause it almost a fear that if I even go to try them on it will find out it was all a lie I told myself.. and there won't be any difference.. and that disappointment in myself for that would be very hard to deal with... I know that easiest thing would be just to face my fear in this, but its not, there is no one here to hold my hand though it, its just me as it has always has been...

it funny in a way, that jeans I wore today are so big on me that I couldn't let my shirt hand out like I always do cause the jeans are too big they sag badly on me it looks like I am wearing someone else's clothes, and I remember when these where almost the only jeans I could wear at my biggest and they were getting tight...

I don't know how to let go of her that girl I use to be, cause for the longest time she was my only friend, not a good one but she was there.