What I am Listening to:
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1:50 pm

well I was so wrong, so wrong i don't know how a person could of been as wrong as I was... what was I wrong about you ask?

I was wrong in thinking that the one person in that whole world saw me.. understood me... really wanted me... I was so wrong.

I was talking on that phone to him today, cau he had gotten that email I had sent to him that day before and he got so excited that he had to call me, then he got another phone call and I called him back in a little while... but I first I got the wave of panic that was so chilling I didn't know what to do with it, the panic said (what would I do if they left me) I wasn't feeling this way before so it didn't come from me or maybe it did I wasn't sure it was just so awful a feeling... but it faded so fast I knew it wasn't my feelings... when I called back I asked and him what he was feeling and I got the feeling it wasn't him so it was just one of those odd things...so we started talking a bit of play mixed in as always...and I wanted a answer to a question that just didn't make sense to me I have been wanting to come visit wanting it for a long time and he told me he would get in trouble and I didn't understand how.. so me being me I just asked...

and he said to me the one that that just shattered my world into pieces...

it didn't come all at once but in bits and pieces that first he was scared that he would just lose control... then that he was afriad someone he knew would see him.. or that I would leave marks on him and things like that....

I'm am so very proud of myself cause not by word or voice did I give any sign about how much he had just hurt me to the core.. hurt so badly that tears just rolled down my face unchecked, i'm so very very good at hiding...

I pointed out that I never leave marks, and I am as far as time I can not get so carried away if it is important for me not to... but after almost two years was I not worth an hour?... and we kept playing.. and I never stopped my voice never changed but i wanted to scream.. how can you think that...

how after all this time you don't know me? how could you really think I would embarrass you... and after all this time you don't realy see me as a person at all do you? all you see is that Mistress.. you don't care if you hurt my feelings, you don't think I really think I worry about you...

then after we played you had to go and we hung up and I cried so hard I couldn't stop, cause for the first time you made me feel like the whore I have thought of myself, and I was so wrong in thinking you were the one person that cared about me,... I was crying so loud a ran a bath to cover that noice so my neighbors wouldn't hear me...

and I wonder is that all people see of me just the Dom?, do they really think I'm so outragous that I do things in public on a reg? I don't Fuck I work in a fucking Law Library one one of the most private conservetive universities do you really think I want to lose my job...and yes that kind of thing would make me lose it... hell what would my mother think, she works for the same place and my sister...

Now before I get going.. I am not ashamed of what I do not in that least.. but there is a time and place for things and even if I were ever to do things in public even for the thill of it I wouldn't put me or my sub at that kind of least.. a trill risk yes, but never a real one, and I would think that after 2 years a person would know that about me but I see I am wrong

Ever so wrong just something to be hidden away.. like I don't dress like a normal person... just cause I have a pic up on my profile, you know why ican do that, cause most would see me in a crowd...

I guess I am just so dum for thinking that one person would be diferent, but I was wrong