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4:13 pm

ok I came into worrk feeling like shit again... cause you know no matter what anyone says .. when you get dumped, you think it is something you did, or something about you that they didn't like.... one of my best friends came to visit me this weekend she didn't know I was as upset as I was cause I didn't tell her... it came out by the next day.. and she said this...

Diva one you liked him prob more than he knew you did.. or you wouldn't be this upset over it.. and two... you showed me his pic.. he was getting by a long shot that better end of the stick..he was no prize

now one he prob didn't know I liked him as much as I did...I get attach quick but I don't get emotional quick...(always waiting for that other shoe)... looks wise.. yes I am the prettier of us.. but he was cute to me.. which is all that counts to me... in that.. it is the mind that draws me...what is on the inside.. not what is out.. I have a few truly drop dead gorgous men ask to my subs... but they had no idea what it all really means..... no one is pretty enough for me to over look that.

well later today I was talking to this sub who was trying his hardest to cheer me up...and in talking to him I found out that he is a gemini.. same as My best friend..... so I started talking about matty... and he said something that I sure he didn't know how much it really shocked me mainly cause it was so true.....that I am truely myself around Matty... like I am not around most...matty see it all even the Dom-side of me, (though I don't Dom him) but he sees it all....cause he is my friend.. I can act as silly and crazy as I want....cause he is a man... I can also be loving in that friendship.... but cause he is a gay man and there is no sex thing between us... I trust him to love me for just me.. and never feel used.... and he was right.... I don't trust anyone to really love me for just me.. now to be fair to myself....I don't trust anyone on this with good reason.... no one but matty has even fucking done it.....of all the relationships I have had... romantic one I mean....since I was 21... there is only 1 I know really loved me, and that is the only one I didn't love back, which is why I could see it

I know that my friends and my chat friends see way more of the emotional side of me than that people I am with...why...cause if I acted as emotional as I feel at time withthe person I am emotional with.. they would run screaming into the night... I know how intense I am.. I have only let two men ever see that.. and I was burned so badly by both of them....was very very hard to pull myself back from that..... no subbie boy wasn't one of them.. I liked him a lot even, but I am more just mad at things not working for me... but I should have known better than that anyway