What I am Listening to:
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2:49 pm

one of my best friends called me this morning she wanted to talk over a issude she was having, which in turn made me realize that I have the same issue... I realized that I have been wanting something for so long.. year in fact that I no long know what I would do if I got it.. cause the sad truth of it, is that I don't thik I will ever get it... doesn't stop me from wanting and wanting so badly, that I never seem to give up this vain hope that I will get it....but I have never thought ..Diva what if you do get it then what will you do?....

what if you get that sub you want so badly....(which by the way is what I want)... I don't really know..

Two sub in the past week had said things to me that have shocked me and I don't think either of them have any idea how much....

PB said I he would not be whole without me... I didn't know what to say to that.. I think I don't really believe him.... and then spin telling me how protective he feels about me.....

cause no matter how confident I seem or act.. I don't really think anyone would want me... not really.. I don't mean sex.. I mean me....

its sad and depressing.. but i'm use to it I know my place in that world, whether or not I like it doesn't matter much.....

I know some would say that is a submissive way of thinking.... but its not.. we all want belong in someway.... and most of do in someone.. to a family a group... a lover

I have a family.. but I am not a part of it.. and they don't really want me to be

i'm in many groups but not part of them either....

and never had a lover who would stay.. not once....I know some of you would say there must of been one... i'm here to tell you that no there has never been even one...

all this has made me think of why I enjoy BDSM.. what is it about it that draws me and not I think I know at least in part.. its the illusion the dream that just for a time this person is mine