What I am Listening to: radio
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6:09 pm

ok before I get into part two I talk to tommy today.. *smile* I missed him... and he got kind of trancy looking at my breasts... and he thinks they are mostly big.. but I think he is on bodybuilder sub side he just won't say.. but then in when he is in sub-mode he is a slave so he wouldn't *smile* but he is still my tommy

anyway on that part 2

I really wanted to know why something like that appealed to him.. and he said it was just the nastiness of it.. and he told me of how his ex left him for a crossdresser.. and I was like wow... and I know this will sould weird but I grow up in the BAY area of northern CA.. so a guy dressing as a women was no big deal... but a straight guy.. I never thought of that one....and something about that just appealed to me... now still didn't really know about the lifestyle at this point I have I knew they were such thing s as Dominatrix.. and I did think they were super cool.. but it was like batman.. not thing real people did... it was like on TV... I know even though I done a 3somes and even been with a kinky guy or two..

I still didn't really know anything... then.. as I was at the end of this great love thing I had with an aussie.. it was very passionate... and he total left me for someone else I meet Jorg... he was German but living here in the US.. and he was a closet crossdresser... who was also sub.. sort or but I didn't know about the sub part til later...

now he was the first CD that I have ever dated... and I didn't quite know what to do with him.. but I wanted to find out... as things went along it got to the point that sex sex came up... and that was a eye opener for me... it when it all came out that was when he like to dress and also he like to be dominated... he liked to play the scared virgin and be manhandled over powered and sortof raped...

now the idea of all of this was so cool to me... the doing it was another story.. I had no idea how to.. I mean I picked the guy and lost mine... so how to you do this to a guy..

mine you I still didn't really know on how large a scale people did this it was new to me.... so I didn't really Dom him I didn't know how.. and he wasn't much help... and I wasn't sure of myself.. and I was heavy as I have been most of my life.. and he played on those fears to the point I couldn't be nude around him.. in fact that is still something I work on getting over... and it got to the point that my visit to you got longer and longer spaces between them.. and then he just stopped calling.. and his number changed.. by the end he had made me feel so bad about myself I was glad when it was over...

but I did now have this taste for something.. I idn't really know how to but I worked in a library.. I know how to do research so I free of the german I decided to learn what I didn't know... that was the one part before things when bad that I really enjoyed... but I didn't like that I didn't know what I was doing I'm a Librar we like to KNOW!.. so I spent the next few months just reading.. books and online... I didn't want to talk to subbies yet I wasn't ready for that.. I just wanted to learn.. then came the point that I wanted to deal with people at least online...

so I stared going to chatrooms and playing online.. talking to subbies mostly I still didn't know a lot but I knew a hell of a lot more than I did when I was with the german.....so I decided that I would have some online subs... not the best way to start, but myself image still have a lot to rebuild... and it have been a few months like 6 or so... online I had been talking to mostly women as subs they were safe.. yeah I know women can tear you up just as men can.. but not that way I was thinking.... and I had a few online and it was deep and intense and I learn a lot even met a few face to face.... and then came that day... the day I met puppy who is now baby...I have never had a sub til then that talk to me the way he did.. and sound honest while doing it...that first day I didn't believe a word he said I thought it was all bullshit... he treated me like I was treasure.. like he was in awe... and even though I didn't believe him... I one didn't tell him I didn't I was waiting for him to fuck himself up.. but under all that I was like WOW.... so we talked for a month or two and he didn't change he was still that same way... so i gave him my phone number... an talking to him on that phone.. he would get tongue tie... and tell me how much I would make him blush.... but I had learned.. how to put on a confident face..

but under all that I was thinking he really thinks that way about me? ugly little old me.. fat old me?

made me feel like the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and I knew I wasn't.. but I was to him....

now I don't judge people by thier looks cause I never want anyone to judge me by mine... but if I think someone is beautiful I will tell them ... and evenone has something that is beautiful about them...

I say this cause at this point I had never seen baby, I didn't know what he look like... but after a few months of talking to him I didn't reaaly care... I was half in love... just on how he made me feel about myself...then he showed me his picture.... I think my heart just stopped.... now I won't say he is that best looking man I have ever seen cause I know know many gay men and was a clubkid in gay clubs I know some of the most beautiful men... but in my little world men that beautiful were gay or liked very skinny super model women..... no he isn't model pretty.. but he is damn close and no guy who had ever look like that would ever look at me of that I am sure... I was floored I mean that last time I was with a a guy that looked that good I lost my cherry.. and he would run a pale pale second to baby.. and this beautiful man was treating me like was the Goddess I claim to be... and I was true to form.. but inside I was like wow!... and I learn a lot a lot in general just trying to manage him...

in a way I could say that he be pushed with his needs.. but I pushed him with my own.. and I wanted more and didn't know how or why....oddly enough on a total seperate vein...

my mother has a degree in psych and I had been thinking about going back to school and finishing mine and changing to to psyche I didn't want to tell her but I started doing some looking into it.. just in general and I came across hypnosis.. and I thought that is so cool.. that would be a cool thing to know how to do... I never thought of mixing hypno with BDSM... just when I want to learn something I just try to learn it.. why I ended up a trained bartender

so I though I learn that basics of being a Dom online and from book I can do that same with this.. it was harder than I thought and I didn't understand the techo lang.. so I joinned some yahoo groups thinking maybe if I talk to some pros I can help me make sence of it all that is how I met Jon online jon is a actor in that UK who is also a stage hypnotist... and being that honest girl I am I told him I was a Dom as well.... it was he who told me some of the best books to read.. and clued me in on that I could mix BDSM and hypno... plus jon was a switch with a strong thing for black women.... I jon gave me my first tatse of hypnotic control... in fact he was the first to go under.. I didn't even know he did... but I did learn that he had a Hypno Dom before me and I had found his trigger.. but I also didn't know enough to deal with the mess in his head... but hypno control is very addicting... so much so that the little I now know I wanted to try on baby... and yes it worked but I think I scared him too... cause we had a bit of a falling out and I was ma at him so I wasn't talking to him so now jon had all my attention.. but I didn't know how to deal..

and I know this will sound amazing but one day out of the blue Joe found me online.. I only have hypno listed as a interest.. but it was like he knew.. and he appointed himself as my Mentor.. he was fully a hypno Dom... and yes that was very high handed of him.. and no he didn't try to sub me.. in fact joe has a thing for Dom women *grin*.. and joe did what jon didn't joe made all the little stuff make sence... I was in just awe... he could read people.. it was like he was psychic... he help me fix the mess of jon head even though he didn't like him... Joe never likes my subbie boys *grin*

to me Joe was and is just so easy to trust... I even let him put me under and he put me more in-tune with my Dom-side...

best thing I ever did...doing that help me stop being scared of that fact that I can be a sadist and enjoy it.. really enjoy it.... and Diva was truely born... at first she was like a voice in my head... a loving bitch *grin*

Joe warned me that after a while she would merge more with my open personality... she didn't totally look like I did at the time.. I look more like her now.. it was that part of me that went on a diet an stuck to it... and it was her that started talking to baby again.. and found out all the things he was hiding from me and when she wanted out in that open and never to go back in to just a part of me I ended up at a fetish ball lightly face-slapping a sub with a crop.. til he almost came.. the Ball was in April

now I know I didn't really do that time line right I count the year I was with the german as year one as a Dom even though I didn't know anything I was a babyDomme.. and that was in 2000 and that lasted a year and I started talking to baby in early 2002 to give you an idea of how long he has been with me.. and by the way he was the first person I even hypno over the phone with no help.. I don't count jon cause he slipped into trance based on someone elses trigger.. baby has never been hypnoed by anyone but me... the other boys, Tommy it got cause when I was so upset about baby one time.. he was the shoulder that I needed... tommy is a slave but not a weak one, he was a rock when I needed one...

spin well I kind of saved him from himself... but he won me over by calling to check on me after the blackout.. and being a friend though my granny death....

and Body builder sub he is local but we always talked about diet.. he help me stick to my plan talk though my woes... when I decided to really play realtime.. it was he who let me make mistakes and still told me I was wonderful....

so that how I became me