What I am Listening to: Styx "the best of times"
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4:19 pm

well ok I know I have been posting a lot of junk of late I just wasn't sure how to talk about what i have been feeling.. so I not not yet in any case not all of it...

but I wanting to talk about what has going though my head of late in a way its just funny.. my friends know I am a nut.. *grin* hey they live with it sort of.. ok maybe just deal with it is a better choice of words...

I have been thinking of late that even though it is very very very un-likely... and oddly enough only Dave has always known this about me I have never known how or why he knows this about me but he has... but this is the first time I am really admitting it here... I'm not sure why I even doing it...

I feel like I am telling a huge secret about myself...

ok I will stop stalling...

I have always secretly wanted to be married... not cause I want the whole white dress crap...I will get into what I want in a min...

no what I really want is the commitment.. I know that will shock a few.. who think I want more than one... that was never really true... just realized that no one could fully commit to me in that way...and I know some would just "say fine then I will have nothing" but I am not really an alone kind of person.. this is just something I know about myself.. that I spend so much time alone when I dis-like it so much.. does send me into depression from time to time... not sure if anyone but dave and tommy have seen it I hide it a lot... both has pulled me out of it a time or two, and for that I do love them...

but yeah that is what i secretly want... that I want the someone to be sub to me.. yeah I want the too...

Do I think that will ever happen?...not in a million years.. I don't think its impossible... just so unlikely... not here is a funny part.. I think its so unlikely that anyone could truely be that commited to me, no matter what they say... that is the reason I tend to have more than one sub I talk to...

but in that highly unlikelyhood it were ever to happen.. then I want to go to Vegas and dress as Elvis and Prissilla.. somehow I don't think I would ever get any guy to dress like publicly even just to be funny... but it would have to be Vegas

why cause if I ever got someone to the point of asking that of me..... no I don't not going to type what i was thinking... I try not to say cruel things about myself in my own journal if you really want to know im me I will tell you