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2:12 pm

I have been doing a lot of thinking of late, not so much about baby though he is not far from my thoughts.. but just about things in general... those i know who are pagan tend to call it the shadowdance...which is that owning of the dark desire and I guess my biggest pet peeve with most is being so scared of it... there are those, lets face it most would never walk this path and there are those who think something is wrong with you for even knowing that its there, then there are those like me who not only know of it but walk it openly, but almost run don't the lane..

I would say my biggest problem is walking it alone, I do and have for a lone long time and in fact I have walked it so long alone at as much as I so much want someone to walk it with me to share it I don't really trust anyone who says that they do... for fear they were not being honest with me.. and in many many cases this was very very true but not always.. but I am finding I need to let go of this past, I am not sure how to do so, I just know I don't want my future paying for my past... and I need to expect as much back as I give out.. and I have not gotten that, I would like to say for a long time but the truth is i don't think that has ever happened...and I think I have always been very affriad to ask for more cause to ask for more might stop what I was already getting, but if that was less than what i wanted i wasn't really happy with it either... but I use to ask for more, and I use to scare a lot of fucking people with my demands too.. so I became less.. less demanding..less wanting.. just less of who i use to be

I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to be less,

cause I'm not less

I don't deserve less of what i give if I give someone 200% then I should get the back

I am always honest I want honestly back

I give true friendship I want true friendship back

if I say I'm in love with you this is what that means to me.. and you can judge this how you will, it you think its too intense that is your problem not mine,

being in love means I give you my heart whole and full

it means that how you feel and think of me is important to me, and I take responsibility for that fact I have the power to hurt you, and I give you that power in return and trust you NOT to hurt me just like I won't hurt you

maybe I am too iideaistic in how I view love... most of the subs I talk to don't understand one can be Dominant and a romantic and that they aren't opposites of each other...

but this is what I have found... that I give my whole heart and only get half back... I put their feelings first and I get put back to the last on that list... and I go out of my way not to hurt those I love.. and only get hurt in return

I open my arms, my heart, my home, my body... and have only gotten used in returned

this has been true of friends, family, as well as Lovers...

So I have asked what did I do to deserve this? what wrong?

Or am I just that fucking undeserving so all I get is shit