What I am Listening to:
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7:31 pm

I will post a post I found on B.com though I don't agree with all of it I think it is very much worth reading for both Tops and bottoms.

From: slave_a_phx

Master and I have gone through many phases of relating and the Sm flavor has been there from the onset. We have explored power dynamics for twenty years, not all of it with �leather awareness� and most of it through trial and error but we are still here and still in a loving power exchange relationship.

All of these passages have taught me a lot about relating, much of it contrary to the caveats issued by the current climate in the Sm world. I have covered each of the more radical ideas at least once in the discussions here. The purpose of much of what I have written has been to send little love notes to Master. He watches me here. So I have provided for both of us a refresher course in how we have successfully managed our Ms relationship in the past because the last three years looked a lot more like Mother Teresa for me than leather slave. Not knockin Mother Teresa here, this phase was just the perfect application and test for all I had learned about service, love and self expression.

So I want to summarize my radical ideas and call it a day. It�s time to join him in the dungeon, paint the hall bath and go for a motorcycle ride.

So one more time Master:

I do not trust you. I love and accept you as you are instead. To trust you is to place faith in a mythical outcome and hold you responsible for that outcome. You aren�t responsible for it or for me. You stand beside me as quixotic to yourself as you are to me and I am willing to take any risk to be with you. If I am going to suffer I want to do it with you. If I am going to make mistakes I want to do them with you. I choose to be with you not because you keep me safe from some chaotic universe out there, but because your very presence immerses me in it and you are the best catalyst for cataclysm and awakening I have ever known. I do not trust you, I desire you, I love you, I admire you, but I do not trust you or yoke you to me with any extracted promises or expectations.

I do not desire to please you. Your emotional condition and the condition of your life are your own business. Should you want something, you know all you have to do is tell me to do it and I will. Whether or not you like it is your business. If you don�t, you can ask for something else. Your unhappiness, frustration and disappointment are not a reproach or a reflection of me. You are free to feel how you wish without having to be concerned with my well being. I love you grumpy as much as I do when you are on top of the world.

It is difficult for you to humiliate me Master. I am your slave. Should you ask me to bark like a dog, wear the cow suit out to dinner, pee my pants or tattoo �stupid sex object� on my forehead I will do so for I lose no status in obeying your command. In fact, I am so committed to being your slave, that when you don�t need a slave I cease to be one because even that status is only temporary and symbolic of my commitment to you.

I have no limits. At this time I have limitations. I can not fly like a bird or swim like a fish because I am neither bird nor fish. There are activities you could engage in that might cause fissures in my psyche or harm to my body but I present those fears to you in if then equations so you can make your decisions with all the information I have available.

You are not responsible for me. Should I obey one of those decisions you make that effect a fissure in my psyche or causes harm to my physical body it was me who made the decision to obey and I suffer the consequences with dignity and grace. It is I who choose to obey you Master, and for all outcomes in my own life, body and soul I am responsible.

The more opportunities to serve that you present to me the more clearly and beautifully I am able to communicate with you. Service is a language, like French or Spanish. When required to pay attention to you, to detail, to a task at hand, when challenged, demanded of and interrogated I am stimulated and alert, present and open. When you speak to me in indulgence I can not understand you well and I drift into my own jungle. My own jungle scares me Master, serving you is a relief from the imagery of my mind. It�s probably best for me to utilize that imagery for fiction writing rather than personal entertainment.

Master, you are free of me. You can put me in my genie bottle or whisk me out to do the hula. It is only in freeing you of the responsibility of me, freeing you of my trust, freeing you of my limits and freeing you of my need for you to be �happy� so I seem irreplaceable, important or good that you get to choose me. And Master, everyday, every single god damned day of our life together, you have dropped to your knees to see me eye to eye and have said to me, �slave a, I choose YOU� and every day is an adventure, a glory in life and love, is creative and terrifying because you do. Thank you. Till we meet again I am always, yours in leather, silk, cotton and blood. @

and...It was actually something I learned in slave training, not from Master though he had complained about it.

The Master in the household I trained in was a bastard verbal sadist. He would feign displeasure just to get me to react. And oh boy did I. Tears. Accusations. Name calling.

Well� THAT didn�t last long. I can still hear slave o�s New York accent ringing in my ears,

�So what�s wrong with just obeying? Not good enough for you? You gotta get like a Nobel Peace Prize for bein the best or sumthin? If you want him to stop pickin on ya, don�t react, just do what he says, lower your eyes and say yes Sir, He�ll leave ya alone.�

Oh my god, break through. So I started doing that. Then I discovered that I loved obeying an asshole. �Jump through this hoop, no not this hoop, that hoop, who told you to jump? Did I tell you to jump? You telling me I am wrong slave? You calling me a liar? Jump over here, not like that, do it again, no jump over there. SLAVE what in the name of God are you doing over there?�

It became FUN to obey. I did it for me. I did it for interaction, not results, not good girls, not so I would become invaluable or be liked or treasured or any of that stuff. I was no longer insecure� I was, I was� a�. a TOY. He said jump I jumped. He mocked me I blushed. He verbally entrapped me I stammered.

Funny thing was, the better I got at just snapping to? The more pleased he was. All the hysteria about being perfect was BORING. All the focus on controlling how he felt about me was AWKWARD. All the prissy little miss perfect crap was ANNOYING. I HAD BEEN DOING ALL THAT SO I COULD RETAIN CONTROL.

That bled over into everything. Master is not always pleased. For crimminey sakes, half the time he doesn�t even really KNOW what he wants. He�s just grousing around being a guy, trying a little of this a little of that, slipping into lethargy or flailing about seeking. Me not investing in HIS results leaves me available to serve. He can actually BE with me when he is grumpy or grizzly cuz he doesn�t have to worry that if he grumps I will do an emotional melt down. He doesn�t have to be happy for me to know I am a good slave, a valuable person or anything at all. Serve a man who thinks he�s dying for a year or two and learn about serving a miserable person. Never happy. No joy. No hope. Just despair and fear. I still did what I was told. I still served and I still stood by him.

So from �not like that slave, like this� to �oh never mind, I�ll do it myself, it doesn�t matter anyway� I got some rigorous training in this field. Damned good thing too, these past three years would have crushed me had they occurred earlier in the relationship.

Oh, and btw, Eucerulea, he did tell me to go away, more accurately, stay away, and guess what I did? I stayed away. Terrifying, difficult, talk about abandoning control! But I did it and I earned his respect.

And yes, I am supposed to be going away� sigh, I am way too addicted so it�s gonna be cold turkey for me, but I am still peeking in today . :)

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