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11:58 am
Ok now I feel a little bad
I firgured out what it was about puppy I missed so much,
I was his whole world, or I thought I was at the time, I missed that feeling and I didn't know if I have that from my fave.
That is one of my needs to be someone world, I was unsure of that.
so I was sitting here feeling sad cause I didn't know if I would get that from him, and I felt it was too much to ask, that is something they have to give
So I was trying to ask him without asking him in the form of
"how much of your world am I?"
so of course he totally didn't understand that question, so I said never mind, then he said he feels like he failed me somehow, which totally breaks my heart cause that is so untrue
And I so feel like I am asking too much or asking something of him that he is not really for.
So now he is upset cause he thinks he has upset me, and I am upset, cause I want something I feel I don't have the right to ask for
Finally I just say do you want me to just ask you?
thinking to myself his answer will totally shatter me....
I ask "Am I your world?"...
and he says "yes, now please tell me, this upsets me"
Shocking the hell out of me
cause I really didn't think I was, and two cause he didn't realized, that that was the question...... I am so overcome with relief that I cry, but I don't tell him that, it would only upset him more
I know for a fact he never reads this, in a way that might be a good thing, he knows I love him, but I don't think he truly has any idea how much, and that he can tie me up in knots without even trying hard sometimes
he tries so hard to be a Good Boy.
I know I am almost obessive about him, cause here I am at the office when I should be home, knowing that I have missed that last train, so that means I will have to walk part way home, I am recovering from the flu and the walk will prob give me a relaps as cold as it is outside, but I am staying why cause I know he is there
I know that is obessive, what is bad is I know that it is returned