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10:30 am

well last night was a very bad night, I face that fact that he probably won't come back.

that hurt so much I don't know even how to really deal with it, I cried, well wailed is more like it, and who ever said that crying is cleansing, was full of shit!, its not, I know remember why i don't let myself do it much, and almost never like that, it is just raw pain, and I don't wish that on anyone, cause it is hard to close it up again, I am still trying, by openning my self to it I knew that it would alway stay with me.... I am so tired of everyone saying you will get over it, you will heal... its not true... I will never get "over it" but I will go on with my life, that is not the same thing, I am not going to close myself from the world, I don't know that I really can, but I don't think I will ever let myself love another person on that level, and it is not bitterness, it is just I plain don't want to...

and the other thing, that gets on my nerves is everyone saying, you are stronger than this, people I don't doubt my own emotional strength, not in that least.

But here are some few truths, that no matter what anyone says, or what you think in your head, in your heart you will ask, why you were not enough... it doesn't matter a wit one bit if it had nothing to do with you, you will think this

And to all that think, no she will love again like that I can only laugh, if I doubted my own emotional strength, I would make such claims, but you know what I don't doubt and I am strong.

I won't let myself do this, I am not ever doing this for another person EVER!

That I did it for him, has to do with me going past my personal limits, based on a trust that I can't shake

I know myself, I really do, I don't truely love someone with limits, I will always love him, and trust him, no matter what, even if he never comes back, but he is it in that, there won't be another in that, I won't let it be, and I am strong and poweful enough to will it so

now this doesn't mean that I will never love someone, but sorry, never with everything that I am