What I am Listening to:
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5:51 pm

ok I did it, I called, I didn't even have anything to say, I thought I would get his voice mail, and could listen and leave a message, but he answer, I asked if he could talk, if he is not busy, he said he was in the middle of something, I sound 50% more cheerful than I was, (a bad habit) he asked me if I if everything was ok, and I said your busy, it can wait, in that it can

After showing me me on that webcam yesterday (I still don't know why I did) I'm feeling ugly, I dodn't know why I did it, I was not looking even close to my best.. I think it was in a way to say "look I am a reg person" though I sure there are a few that would argue that... but to myself I am my friend dave view is this, that there is a lot of desire between me and him, tons, that expression of it just happens to be D/s.. but the expression it's not the fact, his view is that it would be there no matter what, but because it started there, it was more intense I guess

I think my greatest fear is that he will leave again, I feel like everything it up in that air, it has been giving me night-mares, but I don't tell him about them, yes he could read it here, but I don't think he will

I know I have my own issues about people leaving, no therapy could cure, (I mean that is the point of therapy to help you find that source of your problems I know that source, and not matter what anyone tell you they can't cure them) anyway.... I just wanted to hear him.... I feel so a drift in that middle of the ocean, and its not that people don't see but, some don't care, some want me to do things for them while I'm there, and the one other person who would help me, view it as a choice to save something that is dieing or me, when I all I really want is for him just to be willing to and show it, to let me know that me being there matters.. cause I don't know that.. and not knowing that, will drown me