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9:58 am

ok I am very confused.. I not sure I think my conscience is bothering me.. and I am not sure why...I have not done anything yet.. other than in my own mind.... but I think that is what is bothering me... I think i am feeling guilty about my own lust...even though I have not acted on it yet... I think I started to worry about what these people that I talk to really think of me.... and I started to worry.... I don't want to be just a fuck.. and I think to some I am if only in their heads....

I am not ashamed of my likes.. they are what they are.... but I want to be thought of as a person.. that someone will give a shit about... and not just someone who is into kinky sex

you know I watched this movie called "the secretary" it is about a woman from a very twisted family who goes to work for this Lawyer,, as his secretary,,,, he is Dom, but he feels guilty about it... but he sees that submissive in her and little by little he changes her... not granted he helps her become a stronger person.. by helping her open to herself and her own needs..... the first time I watched it I didn't understand his guilty....but I do now.... it is almost a fear...

you know your not like everyone else.... but to one who likes, needs to be in control... you can see how your own needs can take that control from you I know I am one to get carried away.. but this is real life and not a movie.... and I stop beleiving in happy endings long ago....and how can I expect anyone to give a damn about me if they never see me beyond the Domme?

Maybe it is good that I have not had sex in so long.. I year now.... maybe I shouldn't....what if I go too far?...what would that make me?