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9:28 am

well today started out very weird.. I was going to work.. thinking about why I won't let myself buy any new clothes I mean I just can't do it.. I went second-hand store hopping with my mother... I am thought, well make I will get some old jeans... since I don't want to buy new ones.. and I spent an hour going though and found about 4 pair.. I even put them in my cart.. but I couldn't do it I put them all back.. I not sure why...

well while I was thinking of all this waiting for the bus... this guy walks up to me and touches me.. at first I think he just brushed by too close as he sat down next to me.. but then I could feel him there.. and I turn my head and I see him reahc for my butt... and I look at him and said... "do you want somthing?"... he said no... and in my head I am thinking how dare he touch me he didn't ask?... so I get up and walk back to the inside of a building and he walks away... it wasn't til about 15mins later I think I should have been scared.. and not mad.. what if he is some kind of killer marking me for death? or maybe he was just trying to pick my pocket, though my bookbag was on that other side of me... or make I watch too much CSI.. and he was just a wierd touchy wierdo.. but he did brush my breast that first time.....and what is freaking me out now is that fact that I wasn't scared... I rarely am cause for that most part, I never think anyone would want me that way... I mean men don't stop in thier tracks when they see me... in fact the few times anyone ever ask me out, even if I know them I always look around to check it is really me they are talking to.... I mean reg dates.. I just have never been on many.. I could add them all up just using my limbs....

But in other news... I don't understand why people lie.. now I will say this this is just a feeling I have.. and is in not way grounded in fact... but I am rarely wrong on gut feeling like this...subbie boy who gave me this long song and dance about how he wasn't sure he wanted to be in that lifestyle anymore.. I think that was all a lie to get rid of me... what I don't understand is why.. cause if he had just told me that he did see things working out for us in anyway I could have took that better... but the the whole lie.. its not you its me thing.. it was a lie...so I think I will slowly back away from the whole group and go back to my little rock that I was under...not that anyone notice I havn't been around in anycase..so it doesn't really matter anyway.....not leaving the lifestyle...I think I will just be alone again for yet another year.. not that it matters anyway...

well I have been reading SM 101.. and I found something interesting... I think I have had the seed to be Dom for a long long time.. I just didn't know what it was...cause in most of my relationships... after a month or two I would always ask them one question... if they would let me tie them up...I rarely got a yes to this question.. most times I would get if you let me tie you up them yes.. and sometimes I would but them would still rarely really return the favor.. and the relationship would end for what ever reason.. no I don't think that was the reason... but it was telling... non-giving people....sigh.. oh well story of my life right