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12:20 pm

well I have read from cover to cover SM 101..now granted I have only read 3 BDSM books..... outside of the tons of stuff I have gotten from online over the last year... but this is by far the best book and info I have even had I cleared up tons of stuff for me.. also let me in on that fact that just cause I am a Dom doesn't mean I can't be abused.. and abandonment is a form of abuse... and I have been so sorely.... and it will take me a goo while to recover from that... and also all the stuff I thought I was doing wrong.. or that made me soft... they were wrong I did it the right way... its not being soft but a caring human being

But I think that best thing I learned... is how so many subs online have been very unfair.. and grossly ungrantful.... they have been burning me out... and they have no idea how much work it is to be a Dom.... and part of what makes me a Natural Domme is the fact that I am mostly a mental person... cause for a Dom that is where most of the rewards are.... which is why there are so many more subs than Dom/mes..... but I am trying very very hard to heal the mess I have let them make of me... and yes I mean it just like that... I blame them but not as much as I blame myself....

but I am moving on now.. or trying to. I am not looking for a sub... but it is also not try that one can't learn alone... and I took the first really big step for myself.. I found out where the local club is... and I am going alone next weekend.... no subs, no friends.... not even online ones..just me... and I will prob join as itis really close to my place about 30 blocks away.....and I going to try to make some friends.. but if not.. then that is ok too.... being alone is not so bad....

I am also fully back on my diet... and have been for the last three days.. and I'm not stopping this time til I reach my goal of a size 12... which is not the small.. but then I don't want to be skinny.. so a 12 is ok with me....

and maybe if I go down one more size I will have to the nerve to buy some clothes in my right size, when I can really believe it