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1:12 pm

well the other day I was wonder on how to answer the question what does the Dominant get out of it.. when one of the member one of the BDSM groups I am in posted this.. and I found this in a nutsehll is the best answer.

borrowed this article from another group I hope you each enjoy it.

What is a Dominant?

A Dominant can be summed up in one word: RESPONSIBLE And if you want,

you can stop right there. That's all there is to it. Scratch any true

Dominant and you'll find a responsibility junkie.

You'll find a man that feels, even at the most inopportune moments,

that, he is responsible for what has gone on. Egotistical to be sure.

The true Dominant feels that things beyond his control shouldn't have

been beyond his control - and that if people would have listened to

him the economy would be in better shape.

The true Dominant wants control, but then, so do the wannbe's or even

worse, the TRYtobe's. What makes the true Dominant different is that

he understands that to one degree or another everything he touches

carries with it the responsibility for that touch. Whatever task or

challenge the True Dominant takes on, he worries that things might

get out of his control and that he may not be able to fix what has

gone awry.

As a hunter, he looks at the world through the eyes of a predator. He

looks at submissives as his prey. But he knows that the wanting is

easier than the getting and that the getting is easier than the

having. He knows that any fool can go to the pet store and bring home

an exotic animal. But what sets him apart from a fool is that he

knows that is only the beginning - that once home, he is in charge of

that animal's welfare and that he is responsible for what happens to

it while in his charge.

Was it sick when he bought it and they didn't tell him? He feels that

he should have been smarter and known more about what he was buying.

Is it alive, but not growing and happy? Then he feels that he's not

giving it the correct environment. Did lightning strike his house and

burn it down along with his animal? He knows that HAD HE left it in

the store, it might still be alive today. He knows that he has NO

RIGHT to damage that which he touches. In other words, he knows that,

had he not touched it, he would not be responsible but that once

touched, he is forever responsible.

As a Dominant in a relationship, he claims by right to set all the

standards, all the limits and all the rules. But by doing that, he

sets himself up for all of the repercussions of that. He has a very

strict set of priorities:

1. Her Needs

2. His Needs

3. His WANTS

4. Her WANTS

He has taken the submissive by force - against her will. He has

overwhelmed her intellect with his, her will with his, her spirit

with his ... until she had no choice but to surrender to him. Now he

faces the awesome burden of fulfilling her needs, since by definition

she is submitting to his world, his rules and his limits.

The first question you might rightly ask is: Why would anyone in

their right mind take on that much responsibility when every single

action can have so many and such terrible consequences?

The answer to that question resides in how you feel about the

following

statement: "There is simply no substitute for the feeling of holding

the reins of power"

If you don't agree, you may stop now and run along to some BDSM chat

room and talk about the size of your flogger and the length of your

rope. You may be a decent TOP, but you're not a Dominant. If you're

still here, then read and understand this: It's all about the

responsibility, stupid!

To the Dominant, the submissive is his property to do with as he sees

fit. But always he carries the responsibility for what he's done. And

he carries the responsibility for what has been done to her in the

past, too. When he sets the rules, he has to set rules under which

she can not just endure, but grow and flourish. What this means is

that he has to get to KNOW her. He has to be able to understand her -

he should in time know her needs better that SHE does. And always act

accordingly.

So it comes as no shock that a true Dominant does not collar someone

after the third date. He may decide in that time that he WANTS her,

but he knows that he hasn't yet a CLUE what it would take to KEEP

her. A true Dominant is more likely to date someone for 3 or 6 months

and take the time to learn more about the responsibility he is taking

on. He should take the time to learn where her happiness lies. Learn

what she will do when it comes time that she is NOT happy. Learn what

will be required of HIM when that time comes. Learn if he is strong

enough and smart enough to do what it takes. If he learns that he is

dating a woman that is stronger that he can be, he politely begs off,

because in the back of his own squirmy mind, he hears the sage

advice: "son, you maybe could rope it, but you could never ride it."

But having said that, it's never an easy call. Partly because a

Dominant always wants more than he can get, but also because to admit

that to himself is to confront a weakness in himself that he's none

too proud of. Yes, it's wise to know one's limitations, but another

thing to admit them.

It also points out a fact overlooked by many Dominants: The problems

that he might be experiencing with his submissive may have been

caused by the last Dominant. He has to always be mindful that if he

ever does terminate the relationship with his submissive, she will

bear the scars of his control or his mistakes. In the relatively

small and closed society D/s people tend to moving, a Dominant should

always be aware that his reputation may be more enhanced or trashed

by what people see as the condition of his EX submissives than of his

current one.

Once he's decided that she is fair prey, he then sets about using

every tool at his disposal to overcome her common sense and force her

to surrender to his will. Then the real job starts. Using the

knowledge that he has gained about what it takes to keep this

particular creature in his captivity, he sets about to build her a

world (by setting rules and limits) in which she can grow, thrive and

decide to be happy.

And there's an important element. Only SHE can decide to BE happy.

While the Dominant must give her the tools that she will need to

build that happiness, he knows that only she can USE those tools to

BUILD her happiness. Now as much as he'd like it to be different, he

can't know everything about her. He learns along the way. He tries

something, observes the results, and applies what he has learned.

When something goes wrong, he assumes first and foremost that he has,

in some way, failed. He assumes that he didn't see a sign that he

should have seen, he assumes that he should have foreseen some

situation. He always assumes that the problem lies within him before

looking to her.

Why should this be so? Because he's in charge, that's why. He is the

one who set the rules and built the environment and in fact captured

her. Just like the Captain of a Naval vessel that runs aground while

he is off duty and in his cabin ... it's his responsibility. Not

always his fault but always his responsibility.

Is there a time to question her actions and her motives? Of course.

What went wrong MAY have been her fault. BUT, a true Dominant looks

there ONLY after assuring himself that he in fact DID do all the

right things. After eliminating his own fault (or contribution) then

and only then does he look to her. And even if it IS her fault, he

again looks to himself to see if his expectations were unreasonable,

his training or instructions inadequate, etc. and the process repeats

itself until exhausting all possible levels of his own faults and

responsibilities - then he make take what he calls 'corrective

action' First and foremost, the true Dominant fulfills his

responsibilities. What he demands in return is TRUST.

With each step he takes, the true Dominant may expect to earn a

higher level of her trust. This is the next important concept that

the Dominant understands: He constantly and always works to earn her

trust. When a Dominant gives an order he expects obedience. Instant

and without question. But he also understands that she will give this

obedience only when she trusts that no harm will come as a result of

her obedience. Physical, mental, emotional � any kind of harm that

befalls her in the obedience of a directive is surely and squarely

HIS fault - so she MUST trust that the order will not result in harm.

Can the action from the order make her unhappy? Sure. Can it really

upset her? That's ok, too as long as it is purely an emotional

reaction and not a sign of harm. When the order is given for her to

cut off her own hand. She refuses, it is quite simple to accept that

she refused because she knew, beyond doubt, that the order would

cause her immediate and irreparable harm. In other words, the

Dominant AND the submissive know that she does not, nor SHOULD

have ... that level of trust in him. On the somewhat less drastic

scale, the Dominant should not issue an order that pushes her beyond

her level of trust and in the event that she fails must always assume

(once again) that he is the one that set a condition that would cause

her to fail.

More importantly, the true Dominant knows that each failure is a set

back for her as well as for him, and that he will once again have to

work just that much harder to regain some lost trust, now that it's

right in her face that he is fallible and can make mistakes.

As the true Dominant continually works to build an ever higher level

of

trust, he will push her closer and closer to her limitations. This is

the next set of challenges for the Dominant. When he met her, she

most likely had a set of 'limits' beyond which she didn't care to go.

The Dominant set out, in his mind, to find out the difference between

what and where she WANTS to go in favor of what and where she is

CAPABLE of going.

The true Dominant will disregard her stated 'limits' in favor of his

own desires. He will, of course, do this gently and easily, building

trust all the while, so that in a perfect world, she doesn't realize

that she's passed her own limits and is well into HIS world.

Let's take two simple examples: Ask any potential submissive that

they'll tell you that dogs and children are 'hard limits.' And pretty

good ones if you ask PIG because ... well ..... Ewwwwwwwwwww!

Now, the first is kinda sick .. and illegal in a lot of states. The

second is VERY sick and illegal in ALL states.

One would rightly assume that any rational woman would refuse to have

sex with children and for more reasons than we care to describe here.

Except one: It would make her feel terrible. It would make her

violate the law and any standards any sense of decency or morality

that our society holds true. Why is that the only one we're

discussing? Simply to illustrate the point that the true Dominant

knows that there is NO level of trust that she could have in him, nor

is there any technique that he could use after the fact to make it

right. It is a limitation no different that asking her to fly by

flapping her arms.

In the first example, assuming you lived in a place where sex with

animals was legal (are there any places?) you still run the risk of

emotionally damaging her. Certainly it would in some way change her.

How is this different? Only that it is possible to foster in a

submissive the desire to go where lesser women can't go. To endure

things that would crumble a lesser woman. To be a better submissive.

It is possible that the Dominant would have the ability, the talent

and desire to get her to desire to do this and that he has the

talent, desire and ability to help her deal with any unexpected

repercussions

of the action ... because they too, would be his responsibility to

fix.

Editors note: As a PRACTICAL MATTER, the true Dominant would also

hesitate to take her there because it is entirely possible that she

finds out that after clipping the dog's nails and doing something

about his breath, that the DOG makes a far better companion than HIM.

More loyal, affectionate and certainly easier to pick up after.

But the illustration serves to pick up a point that a true Dominant

knows that others might not:

While one may order their submissive to do his laundry, when it comes

to pushing past her limits he does not order her to do this ... he

fosters within her a desire to do it. For herself. To see what she's

made of. The ability to foster those desires in a submissive is the

hallmark of a true Dominant.

It's all about the ability to foster within her the desire to be all

that she is capable of being in a way that makes her stronger,

smarter and satisfied with the life she has been given.

After all THAT, IF there's any energy left over, the true Dominant

can get her to do things that HE likes because they please HIM. At

least that's what I've been told LOL

Editor's Note: The most used 'important word' in this document (and

the

single most important concept) is Responsibility.