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3:49 pm

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday

buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see

carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum

balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly! Like fine single-malt

scotch, eggnog is rare. In fact, it's even rarer

than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but

now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?

It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog alcoholic or

something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's

later

than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point

of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out

of

your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat until

you feel like a volcano.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk

or

whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports

car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control

your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to

eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and

New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to

do.

This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the

buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of

eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,

like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position

yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of

shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,

if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Or

two pumpkins and one apple. Always have three. And don't forget the

whipped cream topping. When else do you get to have more than one

dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with

the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. It just

takes too much intestinal effort to digest. I mean, have SOME

standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party,

you haven't been paying attention. Reread the holiday eating tips;

start

over, but hurry, January (and dieting) is just around the corner.

Have a happy and fulfilling holiday