What I am Listening to: Diary of Alicia Keys
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5:21 pm

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

well i'm not sure where to start, I didn't think this weekend would be that different from others, there wasn't that much going on nita came from out of town to visit me this weekend but we most just hang out and talk when she is here nothing big, I don't really talk to baby on that weekends, but I thought that he would fit that in some how as I had talk to him every day last week, and he did tell me he would try to call me on subday so if he could I knew he would

So when did things start well I think it started when baby called sunday I though he would call around 9 or so but he didn't til after midnight I had falling asleep but of cause I told him I had only just gone to sleep which wasn't true I had been sleep a good two hours so I wasn't fullly awake when I started talking.

now when I talk to baby on that phone most times he is already in baby-mode not fullly well not always, but if I want to talk of reg things I do, and then maybe play with him later but this time he was talking reg, I didn't have a problem with this it was just not something he didn't much, but I could tell something was wrong, me being me I asked and he said well he just wanted to talk reg, but I could tell it was more than that it was like he was trying not to go into baby-mode and that worried me, not that he didn't want to, but that he did, I could tell that he did, but was fighting it I could hear it in his voice... and I asked again what was wrong, and he started telling me of his dream he was in a frantic kind of mood... the dream was about him and me and he was on that floor in baby-mode and me in my Dom wear and the phone rang and I started toying with him with my shoes but not really playing attention to him as I was talking on that phone and I told the person on that phone that I was just doing a bit of babysitting as I was having him suck on the heel of my shoe and useing my other shoe to press on his nipples knowing how sensetive they are and it was making him crazy... he has dreams of me all the time and he does tell me of them but this one bothered me a little cause I would never answer the phone while in the middle of scene I would turn it off, and I might act non-caring with many a sub but its doubtful I would do that with him, he tend to had all my focus... but over all it was ok, but something about it was bothering him and he didn't really know how to tell me I think.. and then he gave in to his inner baby and went into baby mode, it was about this time that I thought I can trance him and try to calm him and maybe find out the real reason he is freaking out a bit.. so I did I calmed him and gave him that suggestion that it would be easy to tell me of his earlier panic without feeling that panic.. and when I woke him he was much calmer and when I asked him why he was in a panic he said it seems silly now, but he was worried that he was going deeper and deeper into his baby-mode so deep that he was wanting to maybe just live like that, but that maybe I wasn't into as much as he was... that this desire to be a baby was more on his part than mine and that he he went that far into it I might not be...

not this of course is so silly its unreal, I mean one of the reason he is into it so deep is cause I have guided him so deep into it I spend hours looking for baby things, to dress him up in to play with even if I can't buy it I look just to give him that idea of what it can be... or if he dreams of something I will look to see if I can find it to make it more real for him, so how can he think I am not into this... but it made me think of a tale that one of my sub friend had told me of her life

she and her Dom have been together for a long time I know them both and both are good friends of mine I know they don't live together and won't ever due to things in her life butI thought she knew all this and she did, but I think on another level she thought that is things were ever to change for her, he would be there to have her inthe full way she wanted him, and that was not the case and when shefully realized this it really hurt her and I didn't really see her or talk to her for a long while, I knew he would not be there for her in that way but I always thought she knew this that it was understood and it wasn't they are still together as a sub and Dom but but now she knows his limits in this..the next day in talking to baby I told him this story cause I wanted him to understand that that wasn't the case with us and yes he did understand that.. but in thinking of all this later I when into a panic of my own.. that maybe I am the one that is wanting more than I can really have... I am not really sure what truly put him into a panic but I know mine, I know that if I could have him everyday day in day out, in what ever mode he wanted to be in I would jump at the chance... I also know that I don't really want to tell him just how much that would mean to me, cause that in just telling him I would hope for what I can never have my friend nita thinks that is just what he wants to hear me say...I don't think that is so but in any case I can't have it so I have no right to hope for what I can't help that would only hurt me....

hours later... when I started writing this this morning I had to put iti in notpad cause I got busy at work so I didn't post it but in that time I had a little play-time with baby and in that play I figured out the whole reason he got into a panic which makes me feel so much better, him panicing about me had my thinking I was not doing something right, or not taking care of him emotionally, even though I calmed him I still wanted to know that whole reason he did tell me just not in that detail I needed to get what he was saiding but while we were playing today it clicked into place...it wasn't him being a baby that he was panicing over though that was part of it it was the how, and no I'm not going to post that one little part that made it a bit more for him... but it does explain why he just wanted to talk reg, and resist being a baby for a little bit and why he worried if I was really into it, and a under that if I would take him so far he would want to come back... I get it I didn't like that he paniced cause it made me panic, thinking I wasn't caring for him the way a MommyDomme should be.. let just say we were both panicing over nothing..

I am taking good care of him and I am way way into that play we are doing, and he doesn't have to worry that I will take him to that point of 247 and not be there for him.