What I am Listening to: depeche mode! ~in your room~
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12:00 pm

you know sometimes I think its funny how most people don't really listen to what people say..

what do I mean.. well people will ask me all the time is I am happy. and I always say i'm ok.. what they hear is yes i'm happy, ..is that what I said?.. no its not if I say ok I mean just that ok, not great not happy not wonderful.. just ok.. I mean i'm living and plan to keep doing so.. til its time not to, to me that is just ok... but I know if people leave it at that they really don't want to know more either.. so I let it go...

I think its funny to how a lot of the people I talk to think my life is so exciting.. its not.. I spend more hours than I would like to watching tv.. though I will go a week or two and not watch and just read.. but both of which I am alone... ok there is a my cat... I could go to more pagan outing but I don't have a car and I 'm not a member of any group... and if you can't go they don't come and get you, so that means I don't go.. plus I have found a few groups have a problem with a black pagan... no they don't say anything but they don't ask you to join either.. and now I don't think my lifestyle fits in either, so I just let it go and just practice alone in that...

speaking of that lifestyle I think its funny how I think some guys have the idea that I would embass them in a public setting be more Domme than I should be.. which I think is funny, cause I not sure where they got that idea.. cause the ones that think it the most are the ones I would tell them, we don't travel in that same circles.. in fact if you traveled in that same circle I do just dealing with my job, it would be you who would be out of place not me... don't assume that just cause i'm black, pagan and into BDSM that I lead this pornstar kind of life.. I don't, in fact I see more lawyers and judges and political people than most, and Goddess knows I know too many of them.. and cause of my sister I know far too many in the entertainment area as well... nothing of these people know what I do in my private life, cause it is just that for me private...

I also know that I am not the kind of woman that men see themselves as growing old with or living with or taking home to meet their mothers, so they tend to get the idea that I don't like or want the kind of everyday stuff... I have no idea where that can from.. its not true... where do some get the idea that I don't like flowers and cards or a box of sugar-free candy for V-day or my birthday or christmas.. I'm not sure... its weird every year these holidays come up and I think all these men I talk to and I know that at least one of them will think of me on this day to send a e-card or something... and there is.. just the one.. on my birthday last year there were two.. it was a good year...

that one most years has been baby, a few are jealous of him I know which is why I don't talk about like as much.. and I talk about him a lot which should tell you something. but he calls me on my birthday.. he will send me a e-card just because.... if he knows I am looking for him online he will call me to say he won't be in til later.... so many say the worship me.. but that my friends is worship... that is why he is my alpha, my high sub the one I give most of me time to, why to be honest not only cause he earned it but he is also the only one that really seems to wants it.. that is not to say that my other boys aren't special to me they are...but they don't seem to want or need me in that way.. and some don't really know what real BDSM is is about or the real thing is not like online at all... you don't forget that your Domme is a real person.. or that aftercare is for both sub and the Domme, that the Domme needs to know you that you ok, with what was done to you... there can be a lot of guilty on the Domme end... to like and want to do these things to another person... you need that other person to tell you and show you that its ok and that they want it and need it I think I post a thing I found on this it puts it in much better words than I do.. that thing that most sub don't understand