What I am Listening to: Judas ~Dm
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12:56 pm

ok yes I changed the look of my blog.. I just have to do this after a while.. and I can tell spring is really coming now cause I am feeling the need to clean and throw crap out.. and I only get the in a big way with spring... I even started to clean my kitchen, not I am not that messy but I mean other than the daily cleaning I cleared the counter which for those that have been to my place know it always full of books and junk but not its 85% junk-free for me that is clean... and I think I will have to go in for my yearly doc visit and talk to them about my PMS... the mood swings are driving me nuts I too much of a up-beat person to have these depressions I can get into before my period and it goes away when my aunt flow shows up so that how I know what it is... course it would greatly help if those I know and love would not set me off and give me soo much to be upset about.. spending a whole day in tears is not my idea of a good day

on the up side I did a lot of deep thinking on things.. my friend barb for one and one other I know might want to read this as well.. but she is married and the only real reason she stays with this man she doesn't love anymore and even though she tried to again I think, is for her kids... I have never agreed with this path... but I wouldn't be me if I didn't say something... but in all honesty as much as I think that is a bad way to go I couldn't pin down just why I thought it was.. well in that, a few weeks of talking with my aunt who saw things with my mother and father from a different view than me I pinned it down to just why I think its a bad way to go...

now I will admit that some of this is colored by my own view of things.. and my case I have found in many things is always a extreme.. but the core of this is there, and in many if not all cases

I am a child of divored parents.. and I admit the my father is and was a jerk.. though he does love me and my sisters in his own way... but this is the one thing I know..

my father always has and still does truely loves my mother.. I think he will go to his grave loving her... he does not how ever love his children in such a deep way.. how do I know this when my parents split up and me and my sibs went with my mother we were all under the age of 12 at the time I know now that my father even though he didn't want to take care of us.. and yes I know this as a fact.. he was angry at me and my sisters for going with my mother and not really leting him back into our lives til I as the oldest was 19... he wanted to get back at us, and he did.. I I won't go into detail of how, those that really want to know and that know you are free to ask... but be warned it not pretty...

people forget just cause your children are just that, doesn't mean you don't feel the resentment to actions as you would anything else, you do..take my mother I love my mother dearly.. and in my mother mind she treats me and my sisters the same she doesn't its little things... she treats me different.. my mother was 18 in a still in high school when she got prgenant with me... and felt that she had to get married.

now as an adult I know that the choices she made were her own, and even to herself I don't think she would say she regretted them... but to say she doesn't resent me.. that is not true... O know that when my father did some of that most horrible thing he has done to me.. she never stopped him... none of these thing happen to my sisters.. cause she won't let him do them.. but she let them happen to me... even to this day she will help my sister if they need it bend over to do it.. but if I need help or I get a maybe or I will see.. I know she doesn't see that she does that... and I know she doesn't mean to... but that doesn't change that price I paid for it...

I have been told that is has made it very very hard for me to believe that people care about me, and this is very very true.. for the most part I don't really believe it... or I tend to think that they will care as long as it doesn't really cost them anything, and I don't beleive that anyone would help me if I really needed, cause no one ever has... and even the few times where I have taken that leap of faith and try to really trust someone it always seems like I get slapped in the face with it and am told "what a fool you are be really thinking I would help YOU"

And my poor baby even though I am a bit upset with him right now it has only been in that past year that really truely believed that he really loved me and all I can really say is I hope you can see why now., but I do know now and really understand, more than you know