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9:07 am

I'm not quite sure what is going on with me of late I have gone back on to my very strict diet, but each day I feel like I am getting bigger, granted it has only been about a week since I went back to the strict part of it, but I know when I look in that mirror I see myself as twice as big as I really am and I don't really know how to change my own view now when I still have so far to go.

My best she calls me in that morning and I was telling her how I have started wear dresses i'm not sure why I have done this I'm not really a dress-wearing kind of girl, and she said maybe I didn't to feel pretty, and that is just it I don't feel pretty when i wear a dress in fact I feel the opossite, and she say maybe I should wear something that does make me feel pretty, and I thought about that and I realize that one I don't really have anything that makes me feel pretty, but I do know that when I wear fetishwear AI feel sexy.. but I don't really know of anything that makes me feel pretty sad, but maybe cause I don't feel that way on the inside so there is nothing that can make me feel that way on that outside

You it shouldn't be that way every woman should beable to feel pretty and I don't know how to do this within myself.. I didn't grow up with people telling me that I was I grew up with people always telling me how fat I was.. I have been always bigger than I should be and there have never been a lack of people in my life to point that to me...I remember the last commited relationship I was in... the last few months of it all he did was point out the fact that I needed to lose weight and he had his mother to the same to me as well right before he abandoned me.. and mind you when I say abandon I mean just that.. he left, stopped calling me and changed his number and didn't tell me one day there and the next not... and the ones before that just faded away in that same fashion

I think I don't really trust anyone not to do that to me and I think maybe somewhere deep inside I think that they do it cause i'm fat, I know this is not really true, but I don't know how to really make myself believe it either