What I am Listening to: Bring me to life ~Evanescence
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9:54 am

you know I realize I have a few issues I need to work on, I mean everyone does whether they admit it or not but last night when I got a midnight call I guess the universe was pointing it out to me.

The call was a good one not one that I thought to get, and I was being my flirty self when once again my neediness was pointed out to me, i'mnot sure why it bother this person, as I try very very hard not to...inflick it on anyone, I do readily admitt that I am a needy person, why anyone thinks that being Dom doesn't mean that one won't be needy (no this person didn't say this) but in fact I would say that most Domes I know are in fact needy in the extreme...but that is not the issue I was speaking of that I need to work on.

We were talking of being on the beach and this person made the comment that they would like to see me in a bikini...I'm not sure if they hear my pause...what I did was make light of it and told them they were being silly while they tried to tell me that they really would like to see that, and how sexy they found my body.

What I thought was: they they were making fun of me cause I don't have a body one would ever think of putting into one of those I don't even look good in a reg swimsuit, and I have never worn a two-piece of that nature in my life...so I thought that he is saying this to maybe help me feel better about myself but he doesn't really think this so why is he being cruel...

I know I have a very very horrorible self view, I don't think myself the least bit pretty, I don't think myself ugly anymore, but not pretty either... I didn't get asked on dates when I was younger I didn't lose my virginity til I was 22, and that was not a date... my first boyfriend was at 22 and we never dated... my first reg guy asking me out and then him picking me pick and us going somewhere kind of date I was about 30 before that ever happen mind you this year I will be 37

I have had more sex than dates.. I assume that most don't really want to be seen with me... I don't think that that men or women want sex with me cause they find me sexy, that is very very hard for me to believe

what do I think they want and like?... well I think over all i'm likeable and I'm a nice person abd that get me there, but that is all cause no one really sticks around longer or ever wants more from me than that

But I take that cause if I didn't I would have nothing and beggers can't be choose...and I know what most would say to that, Don't you want more for yourself?

Hell yeah I want more... I wanted children, but now I'm too old.. I wanted a steady relationship with a guy that wanted me as must as I wanted him.. and that never seem to really come to pass... hell I even wanted to be married, but didn't happen either

now if all I want was those thing and the who of it didn't really matter yeah I could have done that.. but stupid fucked up me wanted to be happy too, I wanted to be inlove with the person I spend my life with....and then on top of all that I had the nerve to be pagan and kinky... lets just say I am being real with myself about what I can and can't have.. so I take what I can get and try to be happy that I have anything at all..

But as to my self image I know that needs work, but understand that when all one has ever heard is how lacking they are cause of how big they are from friends, family and even lovers its a bit hard to believe that one voice that says otherwise