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10:10 am

I have been obessesing about my weight again, I know I have lost more weight, but its like I can just almost see it but not.. and course then a family member will say something that will make me feel like I am just not trying hard enough, so now I have cut all soda even diet I am down to only one cup of coffee and I don't drink it every day, I tend to eat a lot of soup now, but not canned I make it myself then I know just what is in it I also most of my soup have more celery than anything else, I get almond butter from that health food store so it doesn't have any sugar or salt in it and I eat that with raw celery when I need something to crunch on... the soup is for lunch at work cause its easy to cook it enough for the week at home its spiniagh saliad with tuna or chicken with 0cal and 0carbs dressing... maybe by my birthday there will be less rolls of fat on me...

i do know that there are one or two of the men I know that don't want me to be skinny...but the fact is I will never be skinny I am not trying to be I just want to be normal.. I would like for people not to watch how much the big girl eats or to not always have to be in a the plus-sized store for clothes.. or go to a family gathering and no one even thinks you would want to go hang out with your cousins who are the same age as you to party cause.. "well just look at you"

I mean even my own mother is guilty of it.. she works in that same office as me and they were getting t-shirts for everyone and she was asking everyone what size that needed and I told her an xlg and you know what she said?.. you sure you don't want a 2x...never mind that a xlg hangs on me.. the fat girl is thinking she is smaller than she really is again... we got the shirts .. I have the xlg, it hangs to my knees... the funny part it she was the one of the one that has been telling me all my life that I needed to be on a diet...

the last guy I was in a long term relationship with which to this day I don't sure why is lasted the year it did, he let his mother berate me about how fat i was, and then he started til ti got to the point I couldn't even be nude around him.. let alone sex.. I don't feel bad that he dumped me.. it was the way he did it he got his phone number changed and didn't give me the new number and that was it and didn't even say I don't want to see you anymore just was gone

so when I guy tells me oh yeah I want to be with you but I have a girlfriendwifeetc i'm not shocked or suprized or even mad... I have been that girl on the side for so many years I don't really know anything else

I get so many subs that ask me what I want, but the truth is you don't really want to know... cause most of the time it has nothing at all to do with sex... you want to do something nice for me? take me to a movie or dinner or lunch... buy me some flowers or a card for my fucking birthday...do that and shock the hell out me me for once...it would, I never see that coming...girls on the side just don't get that.. or maybe its just me who doesn't